Thanks for the insight Tiica. Indeed what we experience growing up shapes somewhat our handling of the future. That argument therefore would appear to support the school of thought that if raised in abusive environment from the stated ages chances will be you yourself will become an abuser to your own if not others in your life. True – the Romans proverb states that, which in a way would be reflective of both biological or non-biological parents. Albeit with all things in this life, there’s always exceptions to the rule. I’ve indeed failed to understand scenarios of where a person did have the love and support in their childhood but they were unable to give it back to those they later came to raise – be it to their own biological kids or adopted/fostered through marriage union. I suspect the characters or personalities of people play a hand in how they run their lives.
The scenario whereupon a man separates from the mother of his child and goes on to hold on to the child/children is often common in most African cultures – primarily because our societies perceive that the man owns both his wife and children. This perceived ‘right’ of ownership gives in some cases an excuse for abuse of position as most often the behaviour of the man that leads to him chasing out the spouse is not questioned. In most African families, financial security is in the man’s domain too thereby relegating him to a position of ‘summarily execution’. How the man decides to treat the children of the ex-spouse in most cases I’ve found has depended on more than just sited hatred for the ex. True some women have bewitched their husbands in the earlier part of courtship whereupon the man truly believes the woman has his best interests at heart – that song by Percy Slegde says it all.. “When a man loves a woman”. The nature of our culture is such that in general men tend to relegate child rearing to the females choosing to concentrate more on bringing in financial input to the home. They are hardly around to see the signs and symptoms of abuse and if the woman is very good at manipulation, the kids will most often never be seen unless there’s punishment to be dished out by the dad. In most instances, for a man, it simply is a case of getting a replacement mother for the children and he is often too tired to be bothered by what he genuinely sees as petty domestics when he gets in home tired from work.
For starters, the reasons why the man chases away the wife from the home, plays a role in the aftermath of his handling the situation that arises. i.e. Should the wife have been the one to request or exit the marriage, some men on having residual anger for being passed over in what they see as an affront to their manhood, have used the children to avenge or leverage. This sadly is not limited to just men – women too abuse this prerogative. The way men do it is most often reflective of how even in ending a relationship – most men will not directly tell you to your face. They will leave you to read their actions until you the woman decide what road to take. Therefore, some men will allow the abuse to be done to their kids through a third party by simply choosing not to take action as if subconsciously trying to tell the mother to return and save her kids… Crazy I know, but then again, it’s not often easy to be rational when you are hurt or angry. Just like some people use emotional guilt tripping over their spouses to stay in a relationship or otherwise – others will find other means to either end or sustain it. In any case, if he is hardly around the home to study the situation fully, he will be none the wiser to what is really going down.
Whilst I’m very much aware of the step-mom syndrome in some African families, I am also very much aware of loving step-mothers who are hard done by this preconceived view that they are all bad just because the predecessor is no longer holding fort. Indeed there are some women who’ve abused their position in their marital home, left it and then from the sidelines gone on to create havoc to destabilise any efforts made by the man/family to try and rectify the situation to move on. They will for instance inject thoughts in to their kids to make it hard for them to build any kind of working bond with the step-mom. A case of if I can’t have it/him/her, then I’m damned if anybody else will…
I am of the school of thought that ascribes to the fact that our characters are the driving force to parenting – not the ability to give birth or contribute to donating sperm, be it in the conventional way or otherwise. As a parent, I am aware that children do lie and most often are opportunistic – something that a lot of so-called experts/psychologists tend to brush aside. This said however, as would-be parents or parents, we owe it to our offspring to know them in as much a way as possible as opposed to eyeing them as pawns in our adult games.
Tiica your disbelief on how a father can connive with his new wife/mistress to harm his own flesh and blood is a normal reaction to most rational persons. Just like it would be difficult to comprehend a situation whereupon a spouse has gone on to set fire to his enstranged wife and children or where domestic abuse is the order of the day in some well-to-do families which house both mom & dad in their 2.5 nuclear family set-ups.
Yes this is one of many sad stories to be told – but as k_raw has mentioned already – it’s not going to be the first or the last. Perhaps it ought to be a case of highlighting parenting skills as opposed to carrying out witch-hunts on step mothers or otherwise. At the end of the day, this child has to first learn to forgive those who’ve put her in this situation before she can have the ability to move on to entertain a positive outlook to her future that may or may not directly involve her father and step mother. If she is surrounded by so many persons telling her and reminding her of how evil, cruel her dad etc are – I fear she will not have the ability to move on but will instead remain playing the role of a victim.
"Worrying is like a rocking chair: it gives you something to do, but it doesn't get you anywhere."