Complaint letter of the year
This ought to be a template.
It has been said that the British do have a way with words. Apparently this is a real-life complaint letter sent to NTL to their complaints department - though I have my suspicions its a merger of various complaints! With hindsight it is funny to read, but as some of you may well be aware this kind of mental screw-ups are the order of the day!
Dear Cretins,
I have been an NTL customer since 9th July 2001, when I signed up for your 3-in-1 deal for cable TV, cable modem, and telephone. During this three month period I have encountered inadequacy of service which I had not previously considered possible, as well as ignorance and stupidity of monolithic proportions. Please allow me to provide specific details, so that you can either pursue your professional prerogative, and seek to rectify these difficulties - or more likely (I suspect) so that you can have some entertaining reading material as you while away the working day smoking B&H and drinking vendor-coffee on the bogy in your office:
My initial installation was cancelled without warning, resulting in my spending an entire Saturday sitting on my fat *** waiting for your technician to arrive. When he did not arrive, I spent a further 57 minutes listening to your infuriating hold music, and the even more annoying Scottish robot woman telling me to look at your helpful website......HOW?
I alleviated the boredom by playing with my testicles for a few minutes - an activity at which you are no-doubt both familiar and highly adept with. The rescheduled installation then took place some two weeks later, such as a drill-bit, and his cerebrum. Two weeks later, my cable modem had still not arrived. After 15 telephone call, over 4 weeks my modem arrived... six weeks after I had requested it, and begun to pay for it.
I estimated your internet server's downtime is roughly 35%... hours between 6pm-midnight, Mon-Fri, and most of the weekend. I am still waiting for my telephone connection. I have 9 calls on my mobile to your no-help line, and have been unhelpfully transferred to a variety of disinterested individuals, who are it seems so highly skilled bullock jugglers.
I have been informed that a telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that no telephone line is available (and someone will call me back); that I will be transferred to someone who knows whether or not a telephone line is available (and then been redirected to an answer machine informing me that your office is closed); that I will be transferred to someone and then been redirected to the irritating Scottish robot woman... and several other variations on this theme.
Doubtless you are no longer reading this letter, as you have at least a thousand other dissatisfied customers to ignore, and also another one on of those crucially important testicle-moments to attend to. Frankly I don't care, it's far more satisfying as a customer to voice my frustrations in print that to shout them at your unending hold music. Forgive me, therefore, if I continue.
I thought BT were ***, that they had attained the holly piss-pot of god-awful customer relations, that no-one, anywhere , ever, could be more disinterested, less helpful or more obstructive to delivering service to their customers. That's why I chose NTL, and because, well there isn't anyone else is there? How surprised I therefore was, when I discovered to my considerable dissatisfaction and disappointment that a useless shower of bastards you truly are. You sputum-filled pieces of distended rectum incompetents of the highest order.
British Telecom - wankers though they are - shine like brilliant beacons of success, in the filthy puss-filled mire of your seemingly limitless inadequacy. Suffice to say that I have now given up on my futile and foolhardy quest to receive any kind of service from you. I suggest that you cease any potential future attempts to extort payment from me for the services which you have so pointedly and catastrophically failed to delivery - any such activity will be greeted initially with hilarity and disbelief quickly to replaced by derision, and even perhaps bemused rage. I enclose two small deposits, selected with great care my cats litter tray, as an expression of my utter and complete contempt for both you and your pointless company. I sincerely hope that they have not become desiccated during transit - they were satisfyingly moist at the time of posting, and I would feel considerable disappointment if you did not experience both their rich aroma and delicate texture. Consider them the very embodiment of my feelings towards NTL, and its worthless employees.
Have a nice day - may it be the last in your miserable short life, you irritatingly incompetent and infuriatingly unhelpful bunch of twats.
John.